Do We Really Need One?
by Nukume Dori
Summary: If everything I know in life I learned in marching band, then, good god, are we in trouble
1. Default Chapter

Title: Do We Really Need One? Author: Nukume Dori Rating: Um...PG-13? Warnings: Language? Maybe violence, or at least people dying. Notes: Everything I ever learned in life, I learned from band. Good god, are we in trouble. ______________________________________________________________  
  
So I'm a band geek right? I play the clarinet in as many bands as I can get into, my favorite being marching band. We have two wonderful directors, one of which has been teaching for like 20-something years.  
  
And every year, he gives the same speeches. Being a senior this year, I've heard them a lot. The Tonsil Hockey speech before the first home game, the Death speech, somewhere around early October, the Let's-kick-all-the-other- school's-asses-because-we-rule-and-they-suck speech before the Christmas Parade, the Goodbye Seniors speech before Graduation, and the Don't-stick- body-parts-out-of-the-moving-bus-window speech, right before the first away game.  
  
"Teaching for as long as I have, you learn somethings." He'll say. "Not many things, but you do learn. Like the reasons for never sticking body parts out of moving bus windows."  
  
"A couple years after I started teaching, the band still sucked. Seriously. It sucked. And there was a senior in the band at that time(who, for purposes of this story shall be known as Alan for ever more, because I can't remember his name) named Alan, who was the goof off. The one that always did the stupid things and took the silly dares."  
  
"We(the band) were coming back from an away game where we'd flattened the other team, everybody was exited, people were screaming, singing, hanging off the storage racks, when Alan decided to stick his head out the window and scream at the top of his lungs(I think that's why he didn't hear the truck) when one of those huge freighter trucks comes speeding by."  
  
"And it took his head clean off"  
  
Screams and shocked gasps from the freshmen, stiffled laughter from the upper classmen who don't believe the story anymore.  
  
"But instead of rolling on down along the highway, his head bounces on along the side of the bus, and into an open window three seats back."  
  
"And right into the lap of a very shocked flag girl."  
  
More screams from the freshman, and out right laughter from the more sadistic members of the band(mainly me).  
  
"Just imagine it. On minute, you're a very happy flag girl, celebrating a won game, and the next...well, you're in therepy because the severed head of a boy you used to know landed in your lap, and bloodied up your favorite pair of pants."  
  
"Just don't stick body parts out of a moving bus window okay?" __________________  
  
Omake Omake!  
  
Nukume: Konnichiwa, mina-san! Just saying hi!  
  
Yume: And so here are the muses!  
  
Namida: But this fic(which will be on going) was inspired by every member of the Walking Cougars, the marching band that Nukume is a part of!  
  
Nukume: Wait. Walking Cougars?  
  
Yume: Yeah. I've noticed that in past seasons, you guys don't march. You walk.  
  
Nukume: At least we're in step.  
  
Yume and Namida: *raised eyebrows*  
  
Nukume: Okay, well, maybe not. But that's going to change! We're getting the band in shape this year! We're even going to competition! And I just got back from a leadership camp to help, you know, lead the band. Cause I'm the clarinet section leader this year! *does a little happy dance*  
  
Namida: Well, I didn't like it. It was too hot, the hotel was a dump, the people at the mall pissed me off, I didn't get to draw or write, and the women that taught the leadership classes pissed me off too.  
  
Yume: Ditto! 'You're too loud, we're not having fun anymore!'  
  
Nukume: I was having plenty of fun, thank you very much, pyscho bitch! Also, I've broken my spell checker.  
  
Yume: Die, spawn of Satan, bane of mankind! Bwahahahahahaha!  
  
Namida:(Thoughfully) I like her when she got confused though.  
  
Nukume: Me too!  
  
Yume: Oh?  
  
Nukume: Yeah, she told us the best way to deal with freshmen was to give them dog treats when they behaved.  
  
Yume: Ja matta mina-san!  
  
Nukume: Review! Onegai!  
  
Namida: Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! _________________________________________________________________  
  
TBC... Oh, kamisama help us. 


	2. Chapter 2

Title: Do We Really Need One? Author: Nukume Dori Rating: PG-13 Warnings: You know, the usual. Language, band geeks, dirty jokes. Dismemberment. _________________________________________________________________  
  
Again, I have two band directors. Time to introduce them, ne? The first is a short little man with dark skin, hair, and eyes, and he counts rythyms by singing shakapi when he does it, while looking and sounding exactly like Kermit the frog. We'll dub him 'Kermy'.  
  
The second is an old man who just turned forty seven. We took him to Cracker Barrel on the way back from leadership/drum major camp and embarrassed the shit out of him. Then we ate his sundae/brownie thing. Cause he's on Weight Watchers. He's kinda fat too, which is why he's on Weight Watchers in the first place. But I digress. Anyway, he has this shirt that looks like it's made from an American flag. And when he laughs, the flag waves, and the whole band calls him 'Old Glory'.  
  
And Old Glory has a daughter in the band a year behind me. She's one of the drum majors this year and has super pale skin and flaming red hair(think Tasuki from Fushigi Yuugi). Everyone calls her 'Red'.  
  
When Red was just a child, she had a cat. Loved that cat.  
  
And Old Glory had a lawnmower. A big one, with a bag to collect the grass.  
  
One particularly hot summer day, Old Glory took a break from mowing the grass to go inside and get a drink.  
  
And while he took his little break, Red's cat decided to climb up through the very still mower blades to lay in the freshly cut grass and cool shade the bag offered.  
  
Old Glory had no clue.  
  
He came back out, oblivious, and started that thing back up, scared the cat half to death, and then there was only one way for it to get out.  
  
The same way it got in.  
  
Back out through the blades.  
  
The blades won.  
  
Old Glory heard a rather loud thump while he was mowing, and thinking he'd broken the mower, he stop to turn the thing over.  
  
He was greeted with a headless cat body and a dismembered head.  
  
Glory says the mouth was still moving, something like a fish out of water when it's gasping for air.  
  
And being a loving father, who just killed his daughter's loving cat, what do you do?  
  
Bury it beside the porch and tell Red it ran away, of course.  
  
And then you tell your adition only, mostly seniors Wind Symphony the story Red's freshman year, with the promise that they never tell anyone.  
  
Pa-leeeeeeease. Seniors? C'mon. She found out the very same day.  
  
They weren't on speaking terms for quite a while.  
  
And then you've got those lovely seniors that graduated this year, and remembered the story of Red's ill-fated cat. The graduating class always gets the band directors presents and presents them at the Spring Concert.  
  
What did they get Old Glory? A stuff cat that they chopped the head off of and ducked taped back together. It's voice box meowed all night and was louder than most of our music(and that;s saying something, because we are loud).  
  
Kermy? Well, he got floaties and a lime green thong speedo. _________________________________________________________________  
  
TBC... 


End file.
